I’m not much into posting sentimental writings nowadays due to lack of time, however I can’t help it today.
I just managed to stumble upon a blog, that turned out to belong to an old friend of mine in high school. What’s written there is breaking my heart. It’s a story of someone lost (although, thankfully, it seems to be better now). Nothing to believe in. Lack of purpose. The feeling of void in your heart, a blackhole sucking up your life force. Lost of faith in humanity. Loneliness all the way.

It reminded me of a time in my life, just a few decades ago.

I was acutely aware that I’m alone. A small boy. I woke up often at the night, and staring at the wall around me. It seems like it’s going to suck me up, and make me part of it. A wall. Bland, boring, white wall.
My mantra was “I’m nothing”, whispered many times every day. It helps a bit because when you’re nothing, well, there’s nothing less than that isn’t it. I have better than average intelligence according to the psychologist, with IQ of 146. However, that doesn’t help at all.
I didn’t know why I existed. I didn’t know my purpose. I hated it when I woke up in the morning. I can laugh with a small number of people that I could call friends, but when they’re gone, the void returned. My soul is being sucked from inside by the void within.

To be alive was painful. Another mantra was “Enjoy the pain”. It helps a bit. Not much though. Every minute seems like an eternity. Every second it feels like the earth will suddenly open up and swallow you to the darkness below. I didn’t speak much. Books were my escape. It brought me to another world, saved me, albeit temporarily, from my daily torture.
I was humiliated quite often. Or I’d feel ashamed myself, even though others didn’t even realize that I was there. Nobody noticed me usually. This was the life of a nothing.

Now, my mantra is still the same. I still try to avoid attention. But the mantra is now said with an understanding, with humility. I am indeed nothing, compared to so many other great people. What I can do is to strive to follow their path.
My life is now of a struggle. A struggle to become better, to not become other people’s burden whenever possible, to be useful to others.
Clearly, this is a struggle to death. But I welcome that. Even though my bones crackled everytime I put them on the bed, tired and weak. The struggle is different everyday. Sometimes I managed to get over the challenge. Sometimes I lost it. In that case, I try not to mourn, but to learn. Not always successful. But I do try. Although I’m weak. But by God, I’ll try.

I found peace in my prayers, my meditation. When I’m successful, I’m reminded that I’m nothing. Pride is probably the biggest sin there is. And believe me it’s hard even for a nothing not to be proud when in success. When I’m in trouble, I’m comforted by the kind words and the encouragement, and it gives me the strength to get back on my feet. It gives me strength to go on for the rest of the day. It reminds me of my obligations, my responsibilities.
Most importantly, it taught me to be thankful to what I have.

I have eyes. Others are engulfed in darkness. I have arms. Others have to eat with their foot. I have family who love me as I love them. Others are alone, devoid of other human beings, in this world. I can eat clean food. Others have eat from dumpsters. I can hear. Others are drowned in silence. I can see my children grow. Others see their children killed cruelly. I can feel pain. Others destroyed their body parts because they don’t realize that they’re tearing it apart. I live under a roof. Others live under the sky. I can buy medicine when my child is sick. Others have to watch theirs die slowly.
I’m sick a lot of time. But others are sick all the time. Others sucks, are a bunch of egoistical beasts, thinking about themselves all the time. I try not to. I have index finger. Do you know how hard it is to hold things without it ? I have nails. Others have theirs pulled forcefully in tortures. I’m weak. Others can only lay in bed for the rest of their life.
Sometimes I realize how much I have. Many others doesn’t have this luxury.

These are things I tend to forget. I tend to remember things that I don’t have. But when I realize the opposite, suddenly life is not so bad. It’s a hard one, filled with extreme struggles. But it’s okay. That’s life.

I hope my friend will fare well. And others as well. Just don’t give up. Life is a struggle.